The Duck (yay!)
A duck went into a store and asked the owner, "Got any fish?"
The owner responds, "No, but we will get a shipment in an hour.
Come back later."
So the duck leaves and returns 5 minutes later. "Got any fish?"
"No, I already told you. Later."
So the duck leaves and returns 5 minutes later. "Got any fish?"
"No, and if you come back again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
So the duck leaves and returns 5 minutes later. "Got any nails?"
"...No."
"Got any fish?"
The Viper
There was a 3 story building. There was a guy on the top floor. He got
a call through the intercom from the 1st floor. The person who called said:
"I am the Viper. I'm coming up."
The guy on the top floor hesitated, but ignored it. Then he got
a call from the 2nd floor:
"I am the Viper. I'm almost there."
The guy called the police. A few minutes later there was a knock
at the door. The guy on the 3rd floor opened the door because he thought
it was the police. The
guy at the door said:
"I am the Vindow Viper. I Vish to Vipe and Vash your Vindows."
Three Boys
There were 3 boys: Manners, Shut Up, and Manure. One day, Maure ran
away to the field. Manners chased after him. So did Shut up, but he got
stopped by a
police oficer. "What's your name?" he asked.
"Shut Up," Shut up said.
"Don't tell me to shut up! What's your NAME?!!!"
"Shut UP,"
"I'll ask you ONE MORE TIME! WHAT IS YOUR NAME!"
"Shut Up."
"Where are your manners?"
"Out in the field picking up Manure."
An Able-bodied Seaman
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting
their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch
the seaman
asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies,
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me
overboard. Just as
they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one
of 'em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the
pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and
swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the
seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin'
fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull
dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day
with the hook."
The Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy
A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the
Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play
with his new toy, the
executive takes it for a spin. At the first stop light, an old
man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation,
the old man sticks his head in the
car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she
go?" "About 270," answers the executive. "No way," says the old man. Just
then, the light turns green
and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can
do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270. But suddenly,
he notices in his rear view
mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he
comes to a stop. Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by. "What
the heck was that?" says
the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?" Suddenly,
the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right
by. This time the
executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like
the old man on the scooter. "That just couldn't be," he says to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in
his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the
Fantasy. The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old
man on the scooter that
crashed into him. "Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there
anything I can do for you? "Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders
from your side view
mirror, please."
A letter some workers recieved after Y2K
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted
3 weeks of paid leave
per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted
for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or
notify our office and your
next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will
include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Golf (new!)
A priest and a guy were playing golf. On the first hole, the guy missed
the ball.
"Shoot! I missed!" he yelled.
"Hey, don't talk like that. The Lord doesn't like it." the priest responded.
"Yeah yeah, whatever..."
On the next hole, the same thing happened.
"Shoot! I missed!" he yelled.
"Hey, don't talk like that. The Lord doesn't like it." the priest responded.
"Yeah yeah, whatever..."
On the third hole, the same thing happened.
"Shoot! I missed!" he yelled.
"Hey, don't talk like that. The Lord doesn't like it." the priest responded.
"Yeah yeah, whatever..."
Then, the clouds open up and a thunderbolt shoots down and kills the priest.
The guy hears a big rumbling voice say,
"SHOOT! I MISSED"
What? (new!)
The end of the begining is the begining of then end for whose end has a begining must start at an end.
The Coiled fishes are not soiled for whose coils make soils from the fishes boiled in oil.
I went outside to see the day but day outside did I not see which beyold the day the outside is there or is it really inside?
Follow the white rabbit peoples... half a league, half a league..